Love in the Time of COVID (Strength VIII)

What are ways in which the global pandemic has affected relationships, love and lust? Do logic, precaution and social responsibility trump feelings of longing, desire and a need for physical connection? In my experience, not even a little bit.

Tarot Focus: Strength VIII

I’m going to get a little controversial here, because these are strange and sensitive times that have many people at odds with one another. Illness, suffering and death are on the line, and nobody knows very much about what is going on or when it will end. To make matters worse, it’s an election year where racial and political tensions are running high, and several months ago the basic necessity of TOILET PAPER had all but become extinct. As if the thought of losing our life or the life of a loved one wasn’t enough - we had to deal with the notion of not even having the decency of a clean ass to take with us to the grave. 

Several months ago the uncertainty of a highly contagious, highly dangerous virus caused us all to be on high alert and many to panic unnecessarily. We were asked to quarantine with only those closest to us and remain socially distanced, masked, scrubbed and sanitized. No more concerts, no more parties, no more hugs, no more hookups. But is that really how it went down? For lots of people, certainly. But my experience has been a little different.

Granted, we aren’t on the other side of COVID yet. Many of us are still in fear of this very concerning and scary virus, and are practicing our due diligence as we have all along. Those who are coupled are undoubtedly navigating a very different relationship dynamic than the one they have been used to, especially if both partners have been forced to work from home and blend their professional and personal spaces together under a shared roof. I would imagine things could get pretty claustrophobic pretty quickly, leaving both people feeling overwhelmed, suffocated and resentful. COVID has forced many couples and families to redefine their living situations drastically and operate under a new normal that no longer fits the preferred ideal. But some single folks have been facing challenges just as difficult yet far more dangerous than dealing with family or relationship tension and the loss of privacy.

I have been single since COVID hit, and had to restructure my business model several times in order to get by. I lost my sous chef, as she was extremely concerned about the virus, choosing to quarantine and preserve her own mental health in the wake of the pandemic. So in terms of isolation, I was pretty locked down. I have one roommate, and other than that I would go into my kitchen and cook alone in what is basically a cement bunker with no doors or windows to the outside. I would go to work, talk at a distance with the bar owners who run the establishment where I have my kitchen, hang out with my roommate or watch my son three days a week.

At night I would sit on my porch on social media, drinking wine and unwinding. Then I began to think about the ways in which this pandemic was going to affect singles like me who like to explore dating. What the heck were we supposed to do, NOT date? NOT explore? NOT even strike up a conversation because it would be largely looked down upon and feel really irresponsible to meet up? Sure, those of us looking for serious, long-term commitments could open a dialogue and begin the getting-to-know-you process while remaining physically distanced, but that’s not the only aspect to dating and that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I had conversations with several close friends about this topic, and received mixed reviews ranging from deep feelings of disapproval and audacity, to neutral feelings of non-judgment and a kind of “do what you gotta do” response, to a fully supported and enthusiastic “hell yeah, go for it!”  These answers were pretty expected based on the personalities of each individual, and left me with several angles to consider. Keep in mind, this was in mid-March when things first started to get serious here in Florida. I began to think about all of the unknown variables surrounding the Coronavirus and COVID-19. How dangerous was it really? How careful was I already being and how much could I push the envelope without feeling like a total asshole? Couldn’t I just put my primal needs to the side and wait it out? 

After about a month of lockdown I began to feel like I was crawling out of my skin. Not only had it been about four months since my last intimate encounter, the COVID climate had me feeling unsure, vulnerable, shaky, insecure and deeply deeply lonely. I felt like I was going to go mad if I didn’t get some light hearted interactions and physical touch in my life. I couldn’t even hug friends, and for someone whose number one love language is physical touch, I was starting to feel like I couldn’t breathe. Only not because of a mask and not because I was sick, and certainly not because I have the privilege of being white. But because I like physical affection and I need it in my life in order to feel loved, appreciated and beautiful. Call me shallow, call me whatever you want, but physical touch for both animals AND humans is necessary for healthy, emotional wellbeing.

Admittedly, I am no stranger to online dating. And as my discomfort grew, I became really curious about what was happening in hook-up culture, so I reopened my Tinder app and began to explore. As I swiped my way through profiles, some masked, some not, I saw quite a few men commenting on meeting people in the time of COVID. Some were attempting to bring humor to the subject, others were ignorant and crass, others were being hopeful yet unsure. But one thing was clear: there were still people out there looking for love and longing for romantic interaction. It was pretty clear to me that nobody on that app (as Tinder is notoriously known as a hook-up app first and foremost,) was putting on any eres about meeting in a socially distanced setting while wearing masks. And it was also pretty clear that it wasn’t because these men weren’t/aren’t taking COVID seriously. On the contrary, many of them were and still are, but seemed to be harboring the same feelings of loneliness, isolation and uncertainty most of us were also feeling. The idea of physical touch with a stranger suddenly became MORE taboo, MORE dangerous and even MORE risky than ever before. It’s not bad enough I have to give a girlfriend the name, address and Facebook profile of the person I’m meeting in fear of being murdered, I now have to fear dying of a WHOLE different kind of virus that causes a whole different host of complications...yikes. It hardly seemed worth the risk.

But I did meet up with someone after about a month of talking on the phone. Physically it went nowhere, as we spent our entire interaction several feet apart on a couch. No harm, no foul. Yet there was someone else I was interested in from my past, who I knew had been unemployed and was therefore isolating with only a few close friends and family. I began to rationalize breaking quarantine to hang out, and because of my past with this person and the knowledge that the chemistry was already really REALLY good, I caved. He caved, I caved, we caved together. We caved for several months before finally deciding we were looking for different things, and I went back to square one. 

As time has gone on, we’ve seen COVID spike again and then taper back down, and we have all grown weary yet sort of numb to this new normal. I am no longer actively seeking out online partners because I don’t feel the same palpable sense of loneliness I was experiencing back in March and April. It no longer feels like a necessity, it feels like a waste of time and energy. So I’m happy to be carrying on single and untouched for the time being, redirecting my focus on ways I want to change my habits, behaviors and thoughts in order to be able to FEEL MORE with LESS. 

I understand there are many people who are not going to agree with my lifestyle choices or respect my decisions, and I’m ok with that. I try to live my life with as little judgment as possible towards others, and as much as I would like the same in return, I know that will not always be the case. As for those struggling in relationships, I feel you and am holding space and the hope that as you slowly return to work or find new jobs or redefine an entirely new normal, you will be able to persevere together. I hope this difficult time has challenged you to support one another and really understand each others’ needs on a deeper level. I hope you are not just making it through, but are realizing how much you truly love and appreciate one another. 

For all of you single people like me, who enjoy actively dating and meeting new people, I see you, I get you and I’m also holding space for you that you can navigate these strange times with as much sense, intelligence and grace you can muster. It’s not easy tempering those inner fires, even during a pandemic - in fact, I think in many ways it has been harder. For most of us it’s not a rebellion thing, it’s not an ignorance or denial thing, and it’s not an irresponsible thing. It’s trying to be as self-aware and responsible as possible while also trying to deal with complicated emotions like feelings of worthiness and desirability, and just plain wanting to feel loved in a romantic way. That’s a deeply held emotional need that doesn’t always have the sense to listen to logic and reason. The desire for love is not born from THINKING, it is born from FEELING. And history has proven time and time again that nothing ever stops it. 

Love always prevails and love always wins, in sickness AND in health.