Desperately Seeking Approval
Validation! Why we seek it and how we can learn to validate ourselves instead of relying on external factors to do it for us.
Tarot focus: 9 of Pentacles
Ok, this is a big topic for me because I have struggled with this SO MUCH my entire life. I also see others struggle with it quite frequently, and therefore think it’s an important concept to explore. So what do I mean by validation? Validation is feeling important, seen, verified and proven in whatever aspect or area of life we deem it important to be validated in. Most of us can probably admit that a need for validation is NECESSARY in order for us to feel like we are important, accomplished people. We seek validation in our relationships, careers and even within ourselves. And while I will agree that the quest for validation from outside the self can be essential for us to feel as if our efforts are worthwhile, self-validation is much more essential to our emotional well-being. Therefore, mastering the art of self-validation is truly important.
A good way to begin the art of mastering self-validation, is to think of the ways in which you seek approval from others. How does it make you feel to be told you are attractive, smart, funny, skilled, capable, generous? Feels pretty great, right? Now imagine NOT having anyone around to tell you something positive about yourself. How would that feel? Pretty crappy, right? But what if YOU could tell you at any given time all of the wonderful things about you that are true? Does the compliment feel less true or valuable simply because it’s coming from you? You might be thinking this sounds a lot like saying affirmations, and while I think some people find those to be helpful, it is not exactly the same thing. When you say affirmations, it can feel a bit like trying to convince yourself that something is true that you are really struggling to believe--like you are trying to force a perception to change. Self-validation happens when you already KNOW these things to be true, and therefore you can rest confident and easy in the knowledge that you are amazing.
This isn’t easy, and I think it’s important to note that we need to be gentle with ourselves through this process. Similar to other areas of focus where we work on leveling up as spiritual-human beings, self-validation takes constant work and practice. Self-defeatism can kick in from time to time, and sometimes the craving for outward validation is going to override the feelings of satisfaction we get from self-validation. It might be all well and good if I can look in the mirror in the morning and KNOW I am a beautiful, desirable and sexually viable human, but does that mean I’m going to be perfectly satisfied never having someone else validate my beauty? Of course not! And the more beautiful, desirable and sexually viable of a person the validating outsider is, the more I’m going to value the validation.
In tarot, the 9 of Pentacles is all about self-worth and independent success. While I always attribute the suit of pentacles as pertaining to health, wealth and spirituality, it’s important to remember that this includes mental and emotional wellbeing, and your health IS part of your wealth. When this card comes up in a reading, I know it is all about setting the bar for success within the self, and cultivating a sense of satisfaction that comes from hard work and confidence. This means feeling satisfied and stable within your chosen career field and as an independent person. Many readers can attest that the 9 of Pentacles almost always has a solitary woman on the card, which I love. Because it is essentially saying that this woman is completely satisfied being independent, and has mastered her own success and stability, which strengthens her self-worth. In numerology, the number 9 can represent letting go and herald the ending of something or drawing near to the completion of a goal. The 10 of Pentacles typically refers to the financial stability that comes from a profitable marriage or family dynasty, or can stand for wealth and long-term financial stability that has been established through a successful business. So the independence of the woman in the 9 of Pentacles is reinforced even more in comparison with the 10. The deeper message would be that even though there is potential for greater wealth within the collaboration of a partnership or unit, the woman of the 9 of Pentacles still feels completely confident and accomplished with the wealth she has earned on her own. She is validated in herself and feels she has something to show for her hard work.
I see so many people struggle with this, and it concerns me. Why is it we are so much more inclined to look back on our mistakes and “failures” and focus on times when we felt bad or things didn’t go our way? How much time do you spend worrying about things that were said and done in the past? We as spiritual-human beings should be more aware of our thought patterns and be able to identify the times when we sought validation outside of ourselves due to a feeling of inadequacy within. The first step in change is to understand our thought processes at a deeper level. Once we are able to identify where the thoughts are coming from, we can then begin to unpack our responses to those thought patterns. For instance, let’s say I witness someone being bullied about her looks. I might then be triggered about my own memories being bullied in middle school. This might lead me back into insecure feelings regarding my attractiveness, and therefore lead me into feeling a sudden urge to be validated externally in order to make those uncomfortable feelings go away. So I might reach out to a male whose opinion and validation holds value for me, and find a way to get them to validate my self-worth and viability. This might make me feel better in the moment, but it wouldn’t actually fix the problem. What I could and should do instead is check in with myself and understand why I am being triggered, then try to see the situation from a higher perspective.
Instead of placing blame and holding on to animosity towards my bully, I can choose to see that she was responding to her own pain and shame by projecting her insecurities onto me. Her response to others’ bad behavior was to take me down into the place where her emotions were currently vibrating. Was she fully aware of what she was doing? Probably not. Was her choice to bully me a mature and kind one? No, absolutely not. Did I retaliate? No, I didn’t. Because I could see exactly what was happening. That doesn’t mean I haven't carried the pain of that experience with me for years. But what it does mean, is that by choosing to see things from a higher perspective and understand what’s really going on under the surface, I can then decide how I am going to respond or behave to the information I am given and the corresponding feelings I’m experiencing. I can choose to validate myself by believing I am none of the things my bully wanted me to believe, and have peace and happiness in my heart by forgiving her for her inability to deal with her own pain in a healthy and mindful way.
Recognizing the ways in which we are all wonderful, kind, beautiful, talented, productive and successful souls shouldn’t feel uncomfortable, conceited or selfish. The way to begin cultivating more kindness in the world is to begin by being kinder to ourselves. If we can begin to validate ourselves then we will be better able to validate others, which will tighten the framework of our collective relationship to one another and fortify the foundation of our shared energetic body. Make the decision today to KNOW you are all of the amazing things you want to believe you are.
By the way, if you are wondering why I chose to use a photo of Kim Cattrall as the illustrious and outspoken Samantha Jones from Sex And The City, it’s because she was one of my favotrite female characters of all time. Check out this article in Medium.com (photo credit) to understand why Samantha was the quintessential self-validated woman and a total badass bombshell.
